• Three best friends
• Five good friends
• Eight people they like but don’t spend one-on-one time with
• 50 acquaintances
• 91 social media friends^[2]

In this chapter, we will discuss how to build and maintain our interpersonal relationships.

The Nature of Relationships

We’ve all been in a wide range of relationships in our lives. This section will explore relationships by examining specific relationship characteristics and the nature of significant relationships.

Relationship Characteristics

We all know that not all relationships are the same. We have people in our lives that we enjoy spending time with, like to support us, and/or assist us when needed. We will typically distance ourselves from people who do not provide positive feelings or outcomes for us. Thus, there are several key characteristics in relationships, including duration, frequency of contact, sharing, support, interaction variability, and shared goals.^[3]

Some relationships last a lifetime, others last a short period. The length of any relationship is referred to as that relationship’s duration. People who grew up in small towns might have had the same classmates till graduation. This is because the duration with each person is different. Some people we meet in college are ones we will never see again. Hence, our duration with that person is short. Duration is related to the length of your relationship with that person.

Second, contact frequency is how often you communicate with the other person. There are people in our lives we have known for years but only talk to infrequently. The more we communicate with others, the closer our bond becomes to the other person. Sometimes people think duration is the real test of a relationship, but it also depends on how often you communicate with the other person.

The third relationship type is based on sharing. The more time we spend with other people and interact with them, the more likely we are to share information about ourselves. This type of sharing involves disclosing information that is usually private and very intimate, including details of our thoughts and feelings. We rarely share this information with strangers. Once we develop a sense of trust and support with this person, we can share more details.

The fourth characteristic is support. Think of the people in your life and whom you could call in case of an emergency. The ones that come to mind are the ones you know who would be supportive of you. They would support you if you needed help, money, time, or advice. Support is another type of relationship because we know that not everyone can support us in the same manner. For instance, if you need relationship advice, you would probably pick someone who has relationship knowledge and would support you in your decision. Support is so important. It was found that a major difference between married and dating couples is that married couples were more likely to provide supportive communication behaviors to their partners than dating couples.^[4]

The fifth defining characteristic of relationships is the interaction variability. When we have a relationship with another person, it is not defined by our interaction with them, but rather by the different conversations we can have with that person. When you were little, you probably knew that if you were to approach your mom, she might respond a certain way as opposed to your day, who might respond differently. Hence, you knew that your interaction would vary. The same thing happens with your classmates because you don’t just talk about class with them. You might also discuss other events on campus or social gatherings. Therefore, our interactions with others are defined by the greater variability that we exhibit with one person compared to another.

The last relationship characteristic is goals. In every relationship we enter, we have certain expectations about that relationship. For instance, if your goal is to get closer to another person through communication, you might share your thoughts and feelings, expecting the other person to do the same. If they do not, then you will probably feel like the goals in your relationship were not met because they didn’t share information. The same goes for other types of relationships. We typically expect that our significant other will be truthful, supportive, and faithful. If they fail to meet that goal, it can cause problems in the relationship and potentially lead to its end. Hence, in all our relationships, we have goals and expectations about how the relationship will function and operate.

Significant Relationships

Think about all the relationships that you have in your life. Which ones are the most meaningful to you? Why do you consider these relationships to be the most notable ones for you? Your parents/guardians, teachers, friends, family members, and romantic interests can all serve as significant relationships in your life. Significant relationships have a huge impact on our communication behavior and our interpretation of these conversations. Significant relationships impact who we are and help us grow. These relationships can serve various purposes in our lives.

Purposes of Relationships

Relationships can serve a variety of purposes: work, task, and social. First, relationships can be work-related. We might have a significant working relationship that helps us advance our professional careers. We might have work relationships that might support us in gaining financial benefits or better work opportunities. Second, we might have significant relationships because they are task-related. We may have a specific task that we need to accomplish with this other person. It might be a project or a mentorship. After the task is completed, the relationship may come to an end. For instance, a high school coach may serve in a significant relationship. You and your coach may have a task or plan to attend the state competition. You and your coach will work together to find ways to help you. However, after you complete high school and your task has ended, then you might keep in contact with the coach, or you may not, since your competition (task) has ended. The last purpose is for social reasons. We may have social reasons for pursuing a relationship. These can include pleasure, inclusion, control, and/or affection. Each relationship that we have with another person has a specific purpose. We may like to spend time with a particular friend because we love talking to them. At the same time, we might enjoy spending time with another friend because we know they can help us become more involved in extracurricular activities.

Elements of a Good Relationship

In summary, relationships are meaningful and beneficial. Relationships allow us to grow psychologically, emotionally, and physically. We can connect with others and truly communicate. The satisfaction of our relationships typically determines our happiness and overall well-being.

Relationship Formation

Have you ever wondered why people pick certain relationships over others? We can’t pick our family members, although I know some people wish they could. We can, however, select who our friends and significant others are in our lives. Throughout our lives, we choose and select the people with whom we form connections and to whom we are attracted. We avoid certain people whom we don’t find attractive.

Understanding Attraction

Researchers have identified three primary types of attraction: physical, social, and task. Physical attraction refers to the degree to which you find another person aesthetically pleasing. What is deemed aesthetically pleasing can alter from one culture to the next. We also know that pop culture can significantly influence what is considered physically appealing from one era to the next. Think of the curvaceous ideal of Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor in the 1950s as compared to the thin Jenna Ortega, Marsai Martin, or Millie Bobby Brown. Although discussions of male physical attraction occur less often, they are equally impacted by pop culture. In the 1950s, you had solid men like Robert Mitchum and Marlon Brando, compared to the lean, athletic leading men of today (e.g., Jacob Elordi, Tom Holland, and Timothée Chalamet.

The second type of attraction is social attraction, or the degree to which an individual sees another person as entertaining, intriguing, and fun to be around. We all have finite resources when it comes to the amount of time we have in a given day. We prefer to socialize with people who we think are fun. These people may entertain us or they may fascinate us. Regardless of the reason, we tend to find some people more socially desirable than others. Social attraction can also be a factor in power dynamics. For example, in situations where there are kids in the “in-group” and those who are not. Here, those who are considered popular hold more power and are perceived as being more socially desirable to associate with. This relationship becomes problematic when these individuals decide to use this social desirability as a tool or weapon against others.

The last type of attraction is task attraction, or people we are attracted to because they possess specific knowledge and/or skills that help us accomplish specific goals. The first part of this definition requires that the target of task attraction possess specific knowledge and/or skills. Perhaps you have a friend who is skilled with computers and is always willing to help you fix your computer when something goes wrong. Maybe you have a friend who is good in math and can tutor you. Of course, these relationships help you accomplish your own goals. In the first case, your goal is to avoid a broken-down computer. In the second case, your goal is to pass math. This is not to say that an individual may only be viewed as task attractive, but many relationships we form are because of task attraction in our lives.

Reasons for Attraction

Now that we’ve looked at the basics of what attraction is. Let’s switch gears and talk about why we are attracted to each other. There are several reasons researchers have found for our attraction to others, including proximity, physicality, perceived gain, similarities and differences, and disclosure.

Physical Proximity

When you ask people how they met their significant other, you often hear that proximity played a role in their meeting. Perhaps they were taking the same class, attend the same church, were employed at the same organization or their families went to the same grocery store. These commonplaces create opportunities for others to meet and mingle. We are more likely to talk to people whom we see frequently.

Physical Attractiveness

In day-to-day interactions, you are more likely to pay attention to someone you find more attractive than others. Research indicates that males place more emphasis on physical attractiveness than females.^[5] Appearance is very important at the beginning of a relationship.

Perceived Gain

This type of relationship might appear to be like an economic model and can be explained by exchange theory.^[6] We will form relationships with people who can offer us rewards that outweigh the costs. Rewards are the things we want to acquire. They could be tangible (e.g., food, money, clothes) or intangible (support, admiration, status). Costs are undesirable things that we don’t want to expend a lot of energy on. For instance, we don’t want to have to constantly nag the other person to call us or spend a lot of time arguing about past items. A good relationship will have lower costs and more rewards. A poor relationship will have more costs and fewer rewards. Often, when people decide to stay in or leave a relationship, they consider the costs and benefits of the relationship.

Costs and rewards are not the only factors in a relationship. Partners also consider alternatives in the relationship. For instance, Becky and Alan have been together for a few years. Becky adores Alan and wants to marry him, but she feels that there are some problems in the relationship. Alan has a horrible temper; he is pessimistic; and he is critical of her. Becky has gained some weight, and Alan has said some hurtful things to her. Becky knows that every relationship will have issues. She doesn’t know whether to continue this relationship or end it.

Her first alternative is called the comparison level (CL), which represents the minimum standard she will tolerate. If Becky believes it is okay for a person to say hurtful things to her or get angry, then Alan is meeting or exceeding her CL. However, if past romantic partners have said nothing hurtful toward her, then she would have a lower CL.

Becky will also consider another alternative, which is the comparison level of alternatives (CL_alt), or the comparison between current relationship rewards and what she might get in another relationship. If she doesn’t want to be single, then she might have a lower CL of alternatives. If she has another potential mate who would probably treat her better, then she would have a higher level of alternatives. We often use this calculation in relationships. Often, when people consider the possibility of ending a relationship, they consider all alternatives rather than just focusing on costs and benefits.

Similarities and Differences

It feels comforting when someone who appears to like the same things you like also has other similarities to you. Thus, you don’t have to explain yourself or give reasons for doing things a certain way. People with similar cultural, ethnic, or religious backgrounds are typically drawn to each other for this reason. It is also known as similarity thesis. The similarity thesis essentially posits that we are drawn to and tend to form relationships with others who are similar to us.^[7] There are three reasons why the similarity thesis works: validation, predictability, and affiliation. First, it’s validating to know that someone likes the same things we do. It confirms and endorses what we believe. In turn, it increases support and affection. Second, when we are similar to another person, we can make predictions about what they will like and not like. We can make better estimations and expectations about what the person will do and how they will behave. The third reason is that we tend to like others who are similar to us, and thus we expect them to like us because we are alike. Hence, it creates an affiliation or connection with that other person.

However, some people are attracted to someone opposite to who they are. This is where differences come into play. Differences can make a relationship stronger, especially when you have a relationship that is complementary. In complementary relationships, each person can help satisfy the other’s needs. For instance, one person likes to talk, and the other person likes to listen. They get along great because they can be comfortable in their communication behaviors and roles. Additionally, they don’t have to argue over who needs to talk. Another example might be that one person enjoys cooking, while the other prefers to eat. This is a great relationship because both people are getting what they like to do, and it complements each other’s talents. Typically, friction arises when there are differences of opinion or control issues. For example, if you have someone who loves to spend money and another who loves to save money, it can be very challenging to decide how to handle financial issues.

Disclosure

Sometimes we form relationships with others after we have disclosed something about ourselves to them. Disclosure increases liking because it creates support and trust between you and the other person. We rarely disclose our most intimate thoughts to strangers. We exhibit this behavior with people we are close to because it creates a bond with the other person.

Disclosure is not the only factor that can lead to forming relationships. Disclosure needs to be appropriate and reciprocal.^[8] If you provide information, it must be mutual. If you reveal too much or too little, it might be inappropriate and can create tension. Additionally, disclosing information too soon or too quickly in the relationship can lead to negative outcomes.

Stages of Relationships

Every relationship goes through various stages. Mark Knapp first introduced a series of stages that relationships can progress.^[9] This model was later modified by him and coauthor Anita Vangelisti to create a model of relationships.^[10] They believe that we come together and we can come apart in stages. Relationships can get stronger or weaker. Most relationships go through some or all of these stages.

Coming Together

Do you remember when you first met that special someone in your life? How did your relationship start? How did you two become closer? Every relationship has to start somewhere. It begins and grows. In this section, we will learn about the coming together stages, which include: initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, and bonding.

Initiating

At the beginning of every relationship, we must determine whether we are willing to invest the necessary energy and effort in communicating with the other person. If we are interested in pursuing the relationship, we have to let the other person know that we are interested in initiating a conversation.

There are different types of initiation. Sustaining is trying to continue the conversation. Networking involves establishing relationships with others. An offering is a way to present your interest in a particular matter. Approaching is where you directly make contact with the other person. We can establish a relationship in various ways.

Communication at this initiating stage is very brief. We might say hello and introduce yourself to the other person. You might smile or wink to let the other person know you’re interested in making conversation with them. The conversation is very superficial and lacks personal depth. At this stage, we are primarily interested in making contact.

Experimenting

After we have initiated communication with the other person, we go to the next stage, which is experimenting. At this stage, you are trying to determine whether you want to continue the relationship. We are trying to learn more about the other person.

At this stage, interactions are very casual. You are looking for common ground or similarities that you share. You might discuss your favorite things, such as colors, sports, or teachers. Just like the name of the stage, we are experimenting and trying to determine whether we should move on to the next stage or not.

Intensifying

After we talk with the other person and decide that this is someone we want to have a relationship with, we enter the intensifying stage. We share more intimate and/or personal information about ourselves with that person. Conversations become more serious, and our interactions are more meaningful. At this stage, you might stop saying “I” and say “we.” So, in the past, you might have said to your partner, “I am having a night out with my friends.” It changes to “We are going to be with my friends tonight.” We are becoming more serious about the relationship.

Integrating

The integrating stage is where two people truly become a couple. Previously, they might have been dating or enjoying each other’s company, but at this stage, they are letting people know that they are in an exclusive relationship. The expectations in the relationship are higher than they were before. Your knowledge of your partner has increased. The amount of time that you spend with each other is greater.

Bonding

The next stage is the bonding stage, where you reveal to the world that your relationship to each other now exists. It might be as simple as a Facebook post. For others, the bonding stage is where they get engaged and have an engagement announcement. For those that are very committed to the relationship, they might decide to have a wedding and get married. In every case, they are making their relationship a public announcement. They want others to know that their relationship is real.

Coming Apart

Some couples can stay in committed and wonderful relationships. However, there are some couples that after bonding, things seem to fall apart. No matter how hard they try to stay together, tension and disagreement persist. These couples undergo a process of coming apart, which involves differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating.

Differentiating

The differentiating stage is where both people are trying to figure out their own identities. Thus, instead of trying to say “we,” the partners will question “How am I different?” At this stage, differences are emphasized, while similarities are overlooked.

As partners differentiate themselves from one another, they engage in more disagreements. The couples will change their pronoun use from “our kitchen” becomes “my kitchen” or “our child” becomes “my child,” depending on what they want to emphasize.

Initially in the relationship, we tend to focus on what we have in common with each other. After we have bonded, we try to balance our independence from each other. If this cannot be resolved, then tensions will emerge, and it usually signals that your relationship is coming apart.

Circumscribing

The circumscribing stage is where the partners limit their interactions with each other. Communication will lessen in quality and quantity. Partners try to figure out what they can and can’t talk about with each other so that they will not argue.

Partners may not spend as much time together at this stage. There are also fewer physical displays of affection. Intimacy decreases between the partners. The partners no longer desire to be together and only communicate when necessary.

Stagnating

The next stage is stagnating, which means the relationship is not improving or growing. The relationship is motionless or stagnating. Partners do not try to communicate with each other. When communication does occur, it is usually restrained and often awkward. The partners live together physically but not emotionally. They distance themselves from the other person. Their enthusiasm for the relationship is gone. What used to be fun and exciting for the couple is now a chore.

Avoiding

The avoiding stage is where both people avoid each other altogether. They would rather stay away from each other than communicate with each other. At this stage, the partners do not want to see each other or speak to each other. Sometimes, partners may think they no longer wish to be in the relationship.

Terminating

The terminating stage is where the parties decide to end or terminate the relationship. Ending a relationship is never easy. Several factors can determine whether to end or continue the relationship. Time is a factor. Couples have to decide to end it gradually or quickly. Couples also have to determine what happens after the relationship ends. Additionally, partners must decide how they want to end the relationship. For instance, some people end the relationship via electronic means (e.g., text messages, emails, Facebook posts) or face-to-face.

Final Thoughts on Coming Together

Not every relationship will progress through all ten stages. Several relationships do not progress beyond the experimental stage. Some remain happy at the intensifying or bonding stage. When both people agree that their relationship is satisfying and each person’s needs are met, then stabilization occurs. Some relationships also go out of order. For instance, in some arranged marriages, the bonding occurs first, and then the couple goes through various phases. Some people jump from one stage into another. When partners disagree about what constitutes optimal stabilization, disagreements and tensions will inevitably occur.

In today’s world, romantic relationships can take on a variety of different meanings and expectations. For instance, terms like “hooking up” or “friends with benefits” are used to describe the status of a relationship. Many people might engage in a variety of relationships, but not necessarily get married. We know relationships vary from couple to couple. Regardless of the relationship type, couples decide to come together or part ways.

Relationship Maintenance

You may have heard that relationships are hard work. Relationships need maintenance and care. Just as your body needs food and your car needs gasoline to run, your relationships also need attention. When people are in a relationship, what makes a difference in keeping them together is how they feel when they are together. Maintenance can make a relationship more satisfying and successful.

Daniel Canary and Laura Stafford stated that “most people desire long-term, stable, and satisfying relationships.”^[12] To keep a satisfying relationship, individuals must utilize relationship maintenance behaviors. They believed that if individuals do not maintain their relationships, the relationships will weaken and/or end. “It is naïve to assume that relationships simply stay together until they fall apart or that they happen to stay together.”^[13]

Joe Ayres studied how individuals maintain their interpersonal relationships.^[14] Through factor analysis, he identified three types of strategies. First, avoidance strategies are used to evade communication that might threaten the relationship. Second, balance strategies are used to maintain equality in the relationship so that partners do not feel underbenefited or overbenefited from being in the relationship. Third, direct strategies are used to evaluate and remind the partner of relationship objectives. Joe Ayers found that relationship intent had a major influence on the perceptions of the relationship partners. If partners wanted to stay together, they would make a greater effort to employ maintenance strategies than deterioration strategies.

Laura Stafford and Daniel Canary (1991) found five key relationship maintenance behaviors. First, positivity is a relational maintenance factor that involves communicating with one’s partners in a happy and supportive manner. Second, openness occurs when partners focus their communication on the relationship. Third, assurances are words that emphasize the partners’ commitment to the duration of the relationship. Fourth, networking is communicating with family and friends. Last, sharing tasks is doing work or household tasks. Later, Canary and his colleagues identified two additional relationship maintenance behaviors: conflict management and offering advice.^[15]

Canary and Stafford also posited four propositions that serve as a conceptual framework for relationship maintenance research.^[16] The first proposition is that relationships will worsen if they are not maintained. The second proposition is that both partners must feel that there are equal benefits and sacrifices in the relationship for it to be sustained. The third proposition states that maintenance behaviors depend on the type of relationship. The fourth proposition is that relationship maintenance behaviors can be used alone or in combination to affect perceptions of the relationship. Overall, these propositions demonstrate the significance and impact that relationship maintenance behaviors can have on relationships.

Relationship maintenance is the stabilization point between relationship initiation and potential relationship destruction.^[17] There are two elements to relationship maintenance. First, strategic plans are intentional behaviors and actions used to maintain the relationship. Second, everyday interactions help to sustain the relationship. Most importantly, talk is the most important element in relationship maintenance.^[18]

Communication in Relationships

Relationship Dialectics

We know all relationships go through change. The changes in a relationship are usually dependent on communication. When a relationship starts, there are lots of positive and ample communication between the parties. However, there are times when couples go through a redundant problem, and it is important to learn how to deal with this problem. Partners can’t always know what their significant other desires or needs from them.

Dialectics had been a concept well known to many scholars for many years. They are simply the pushes and pulls that can be found every day in relationships of all types. Conversation involves people who must learn to adapt to each other while still maintaining their individuality.^[22] The theory emphasizes interactions, allowing for more flexibility to explain how couples maintain a satisfactory, cohesive union. This perspective views relationships as simply managing the tensions that arise because they cannot be fully resolved. The management of the tensions is usually based on experiences; what worked for a person in the past will be what they decide to use in the future. These tensions are both contradictory and interdependent, as one cannot be understood without the other. Leslie A. Baxter, the scholar who developed this theory, drew on as many outside sources as possible to gain a deeper understanding of the phenomenon of dialectical tensions within relationships. The development began with a close study of Mikhail Bakhtin, a Russian scholar of culture, literature, philosophy, and language. Baxter was interested in his life’s work; the theory was often referred to as dialogism. Bakhtin argued that life is a social process of dialogue that is characterized by the concurrent coming together and separating of individual perspectives.

Early in Baxter’s career, she noticed that while she was interested in the termination of relationships, her colleagues were interested in the beginnings. Although her colleagues were interested in disclosure, she was interested in non-disclosure. At this point, it still had not occurred to her that these opposing interests in research would lead her to the understanding of dialectical tensions. She continued to research these subjects and read as much as she could on Marxist and Hegelian dialectics, finding these writings both fascinating and frustrating. She processed these writings slowly, and the concepts gradually began to emerge in her work. In 1993, Baxter and Montgomery began writing a book on dialectics titled “Relating: Dialogues and Dialectics.” This was her first official work done on dialectics and its conversational effects. She continued writing about dialectics and expanded the concepts as she further researched families, romantic relationships, and friendships. Since then, Baxter has continually refined and adapted her studies to find new and more effective ways to apply the theory. After conducting a series of in-depth interviews, both Baxter and Montgomery began to see themes in the tensions experienced in romantic relationships. Their overarching research premise (which is applicable to all relationships—including mother/daughter relationships) is that all personal ties and relationships are always in a state of constant flux and contradiction. Relational dialectics highlight a “dynamic knot of contradictions in personal relationships; an unceasing interplay between contrary or opposing tendencies.”^[23] The concept of contradiction is crucial to understanding relational dialectics. The contradiction is when there are opposing sides to a situation. These contradictions tend to arise when both parties are considered interdependent. Dialectical tension is natural and inevitable. All relationships are complex because human beings are complex, and this fact is reflected in our communicative processes. Baxter and Montgomery argue that tension arises because we are drawn to the antitheses of opposing sides. These contradictions must be addressed with a “both/and” approach, rather than a “either/or” mindset. However, the “both/and” approach lends to tension and pressure, which almost always guarantees that relationships are not easy.

Dialectical tension is how individuals deal with struggles in their relationship. Couples often face opposing forces or struggles. It is based on Leslie Baxter and Barbara Montgomery’s Relational Dialectics Theory in 1996. Below are some different relational dialectics.^[24]

Separation-Integration

This is where partners seek involvement but are not willing to sacrifice their entire identity. For instance, in a marriage, some women struggle with choosing whether to take their partner’s last name, keep their maiden name, or combine the two. Often, when partners were single, they might have engaged in a girl’s night out or a guy’s night out. When in a committed relationship, one partner might feel left out and want to be more involved. Thus, struggles and conflicts occur until the couple can figure out a way to deal with this issue.

Predictability–Novelty

This deals with rituals/routines compared to novelty. For instance, for some mothers, it is tough to accept that their child is an adult. They want their child to grow up but it is difficult to recognize how their child has grown up.

Openness–Closedness

Disclosure is necessary, but there is a need for privacy. For some couples, keeping a diary helps maintain privacy. Yet, there are times when their partner needs to know what can’t be expressed directly through words.

Similarity-Difference

This tension revolves around the conflict between self and others. Some couples share very similar thoughts and beliefs. This is beneficial because it facilitates easier communication and smoother conflict resolution. Yet, if partners are too similar, then they cannot grow. Differences can help couples mature and create a sense of stimulation.

Ideal-Real

Couples will perceive some things as good and some things as bad. Their perception of what is real may interfere or inhibit perceptions of what is real. For instance, a couple may think that their relationship is perfect. But from an outsider, they might think that the relationship is abusive and devastating.

Another example might be that a young dating couple thinks they do not have to get married to each other because it is the ideal and accepted view of taking the relationship to the next phase. Thus, the couples move in together and raise a family without being married. They have deviated from what is an ideal normative cultural script.^[25]

Every relationship is fraught with these dialectical tensions. There’s no way around them. However, there are different ways of managing dialectical tensions:

• Denial is where we respond to one end.
• Disorientation is where we feel overwhelmed. We fight, freeze, or leave.
• Alternation is where we choose one end on different occasions.
• Recalibration is reframing the situation or perspective.
• Segmentation is where we compartmentalize different areas.
• Balance is where we manage and compromise our needs.
• Integration is blending different perspectives.
• Reaffirmation is having the knowledge & accepting our differences.

Not every couple deals with dialectical tensions in the same way. Some individuals will employ a specific strategy in certain situations, while others will consistently use the same strategy whenever tension arises. You have to decide what is best for you based on the situation.

Self-Disclosure

In Chapter 7, we started our discussion of self-disclosure. We discussed Sidney Jourard’s basic definition of self-disclosure, “the act of making yourself manifest, showing yourself so others can perceive you.”^[26] Jourard believed that self-disclosure was necessary to have good mental health. All in all, Jourard took a very humanistic or health approach to self-disclosure because he deemed it an essential and integral part of our well-being.

Individuals disclose for various reasons. Sandra Petronio has presented five potential reasons for self-disclosure: (a) expression, (b) self-clarification, (c) social value, (d) relationship development, and (e) social control and influence.^[27] Petronio extended that, “for each type of disclosure, there is a corresponding expectation communicated that influences the choice of response.”^[28]

Four considerations are pertinent to disclosure.^[29] First, the type of relationship will affect an individual’s need to disclose. The more significant the disclosure is, the greater the need to disclose more information. Second, the disclosure has a risk-to-benefit ratio. Individuals who disclose certain types of information may risk losing certain things (i.e., career or pride) or may benefit from certain things (i.e., trust or security). Third, the appropriateness and relevance of the information to the situation determine what gets disclosed and what does not. Fourth, disclosure depends on reciprocity. Individuals will disclose similar amounts of information to each other.

The amount of disclosure that we will share with others also depends on other factors. It is based on honesty, depth, availability of information, and the environment.

First, when we disclose information to others, we can either truly reveal characteristics about ourselves or lie. A recent study found that most college students lie when initially meeting someone new for the first time. The cause is because we want to impress others. A lot of deception occurs on online chatrooms because sometimes people do not want to reveal who they really are, because of possible repercussions.

Depth is another factor of self-disclosure. When I talk to my parents, I can share hours of information about my day with them. I can discuss a wide range of topics with them. However, I have a friend who is only willing to talk about the weather and what he ate with his parents. As you can see, the depth of information varies significantly. One person only talks about superficial facts, while the other person delves much deeper and will discuss more.

The availability of information also has an impact. For instance, if you have more information on a particular topic, you might provide more detailed comments on the matter. For instance, if you and your friends are trying to decide which presidential candidate to vote support in the next election. You might be more willing to self-disclose what you know about a candidate and your opinions about that candidate based on your information. However, you might be less willing to comment on another candidate if you don’t know their platform or background.

The context or environment has an impact on self-disclosure. For instance, have you ever noticed that people tend to open up about themselves when they are in a confined space, such as an airplane? It is fascinating to observe how people are willing to share personal information about themselves with a total stranger, simply because the other person is doing the same.

Alternatives to Self-Disclosure

So, if you don’t want to self-disclose to others, what are some techniques that you can use? First, you can use deception. Sometimes, people lie to avoid conflict. This is true in cases where the person may become extremely upset. They can lie to gain power or to save face. They can also lie to guide the interaction.

Second, you can equivocate. This means you don’t answer the question or provide your comments. Rather, you restated what they said in a different way. For instance, Sally says, “How do you like my new dress?”, you can say, “Wow! That’s a new outfit!” Here, you don’t provide how you feel, and you don’t disclose your opinion. You only offer the information that has been provided to you.

Third, you can hint. Perhaps, you don’t want to lie or equivocate to someone you care about. You might use indirect or face-saving comments. For example, if your roommate has not helped you clean your apartment, you might say things like, “It sure is messy in here?” or “This place could really use some cleaning.”

Dating Relationships

We often discuss dating as a single construct without really considering how it has developed over time. In the twentieth century alone, we saw dating go from a highly formalized structure involving calling cards and sitting rooms; to drive-in movies in the back seat of a car; to cyberdating with people we’ve never met.^[30] The 21^st Century has already changed how people date through social networking sites and geolocation dating apps on smartphones. Dating is not a single thing, and dating has definitely changed with the times.

So, with all this change, how does one even know if someone is on a date in the first place? Thankfully, Paul Mongeau, Janet Jacobsen, and Carolyn Donnerstein have attempted to answer this question for us.^[31] The researchers found that there are five what they called “supracategories” that help define the term “date”: communication expectations, date goals, date elements, dyadic, and feelings. First, dating involves specific communication expectations. For example, people expect a certain level of self-disclosure on a date. Furthermore, people expect their dating partner to be polite, relaxed, and sociable. Second, dating involves specific date goals, or people on dates have specific objectives (e.g., future romantic relationships, reducing uncertainty, having fun, etc.). Third, there are specific date elements. For example, someone has to initiate the date; we get ready for a date, we know when the date has started and stopped, there are activities that constitute the date, etc… Fourth, dates are dyadic, or dating is a couple-based activity. Now, this doesn’t necessarily take into account the idea of “group dates,” but even on a group date there are dyadic couples that are involved in the date itself. Lastly, dates involve feelings. “These feelings range from affection (nonromantic feelings or behaviors), attraction (physical and/or emotional attraction toward the partner), to romantic (dates have romantic overtones).”^[32]

Dating Scripts

We will all spend a portion of our lives in some form of romantic relationship. Whether we are initiating dates, dating, or terminating relationships, we spend a great deal of time dating. Match.com publishes an annual study examining singles in the United States (https://www.singlesinamerica.com/). According to data from 2018,^[33] here are some of the realities of modern single life:

• 55.8% did not go on any first dates, while only 12.6% went on one first date.
• Of those who went on a first date, 20.3% met the person on an online dating site/app, while 15.6% met the person through a friend.
• When it comes to being passionately in love, 19.4% have never been in love, 27.3% have been in love once, and 27.7% have been in love twice.
• 25.1% have a “checklist” when it comes to finding a long-term romantic partner.
• 66.7% believe that loving someone is hard work.
• 75.2% believe that love is a possibility for them.
• 83.5% believe that love is hard to find in today’s world.
• 32.4% of dating partners have disagreed on how to label their relationship, and 23.0% have left a relationship over this disagreement.
• When it comes to first dates, participants preferred either quick and easy (36.0%, e.g., coffee, drinks, etc.) or more formal (21%, e.g., dinner, brunch, etc.).
• 38.1% had been a “friends with benefits” relationship.
• 28.3% had a friendship that turned into a significant romantic relationship.
• 41.1% have dated someone they met online.
• 48.9% had created at least one profile on a dating website or app.

Admittedly, this study is probably pretty heterosexist because the data were not broken down by sexual orientation. Furthermore, we don’t have similar data for bisexual, gay, and lesbian couples. Dating is one of those things we will spend a lot of time doing before we ever settle down and get married (assuming you ever do or have a desire to do so). So, one must imagine that with so much dating going on in the world, we’d have a pretty good grasp of how dating works.

Robert Abelson originally proposed the idea of script theory back in the late 1970s.^[34] He defined a script as a “coherent sequence of events expected by the individual, involving him as either a participant or an observer.”^[35] According to script theory, people tend to pattern their responses and behaviors during different social interactions to take control of that situation. This requires an individual to be able to imagine their past, present, and future behavior in order to create this script.^[36] In 1993, Suzanna Rose and Irene Frieze applied Abelson’s notions of script theory to dating. They had college students keep records of their activities on a specific date. Ultimately, two different scripts were derived: one for men and one for women. The male script consisted of 15 different behavioral actions (all initiated by the male):^[37]

• Picked up date
• Met parents/roommates
• Left
• Picked up friends
• Confirm plans
• Talked, joked, laughed
• Went to movies, show, party
• Ate
• Drank alcohol
• Initiated sexual contact
• Made out
• Took date home
• Asked for another date
• Kissed goodnight
• Went home

Women’s scripts, on the other hand, contained both behavioral actions for themselves and behavioral actions they expected of the man during the date: ^[38]

• Groomed and dressed
• Was nervous
• Picked up date (male)
• Introduced to parents, etc.
• Courtly behavior (open doors–male)
• Left
• Confirmed plans
• Got to know & evaluate date
• Talked, joked, laughed
• Enjoyed date
• Went to movies, show, party
• Ate
• Drank alcohol
• Talked to friends
• Had something go wrong
• Took date home (male)
• Asked for another date (male)
• Told date will call her (male)
• Kissed date goodnight (male)

Take a moment to review these two lists. Do you think they still apply today? How do you think these scripts differ? Once again, these dating scripts were created using only heterosexual college students. Do you think these scripts change if people are dating in their late 20s or 30s? What about people who date in their 70s, 80s, or 90s?

Subsequent research has been conducted in the area of dating scripts. Table 8.1 demonstrates some of the other dating scripts that researchers have found (this is not an exhaustive list).

We often think of dating as something that occurs purely among young people before they get married, but we know people in all age groups date and are looking for romantic relationships of all shapes and sizes.

Another important aspect of script theory to consider is how we learn these scripts in the first place. As you read through both the male and female dating scripts, did you consciously think about how you learned to date? Of course not! However, we’ve been conditioned to date since we were very young. We’ve listened to adults tell stories of dating. We’ve watched dating as it is fictionalized on television and in movies. Dating narratives surround us, and all of these narratives contribute to the dating scripts we have. Although dating may feel like you’re making it up as you go along, you already possess a treasure trove of information about how dating works. Thankfully, because we are presented with these cultural images of dating, we also know that our dating partner (as long as they are from a similar cultural background) will likely have similar dating scripts.

As for the results, La France found people predicted that as the sexual scripts progressed, the likelihood that Sarah and Craig were going to have sexual intercourse increased. Overall, La France found that the sequence of both verbal and nonverbal sexual behaviors could predict the likelihood that people believed that Sarah and Craig would have sex. For example, in the public setting script, when Sarah says, “No, I came with some friends,” this caused people to think that sex could be off the table because the statement indicates that the likelihood of the two leaving alone is less likely. ^[45]

Love Styles

An individual’s love style is considered an attitude that describes how love is perceived.^[46] Attitudes toward love and perceptions of love may change throughout an individual’s life. College students may perceive love differently from their parents or guardians because they are at a significantly different stage of life. College students often live among people their age who are more likely to be single or unmarried. These two factors mean that there are more prospects for dating, and this may lead the college student to conclude that dating any number of these prospects is necessary or even perceive that “hooking up” with multiple prospects is acceptable. In contrast, individuals with children who are financially tied may view romantic relationships as partnerships in which achieving goals (such as paying off the house, sending kids to college, or paying off debt) is as important as romance. These differences in perceptions of love can be explored through John Lee’s love typology, in which he discusses six love styles: eros, storge, ludus, agape, pragma, and mania (Figure 8.3).^[47]

Eros

Eros is romance and emphasizes love and physical beauty, immediate attraction, emotional intensity, and strong commitment. Eros love involves the early initiation of sexual intimacy and consecutive monogamous relationships.

Storge

Storge love develops slowly out of friendship, where stability and psychological closeness are valued along with commitment, which leads to enduring love. Passion and intense emotions are not valued as they are in the eros love style. One of the author’s uncles was in his 60s and had never been married. However, he employed a woman who cooked and cleaned for him for over 20 years. His family was very surprised to receive an announcement that he was marrying the individual who had taken care of him for so long. The formation of their love is a great example of love that arises slowly out of friendship.

Ludic

Ludic lovers view love as a game, and playing this game with multiple partners is perceived to be acceptable by individuals with this love style. As such, this type of lover believes that deception and manipulation are acceptable. Individuals with this love style have a low tolerance for commitment, jealousy, and strong emotional attachments.

Agape

In contrast, agape love involves altruism, giving, and other-centered love. This love style approaches relationships in a non-demanding style with gentle caring and tolerance for others.

Pragma

Pragma love is known as practical love involving logic and reason. Arranged marriages were often arranged for functional purposes. Kings and Queens of different countries often married to form alliances. This love style may seek a romantic partner for financial stability, ability to parent, or simple companionship.

Mania

Mania is the final love style characterized by dependence, uncertainty, jealousy, and emotional upheaval. This type of love is insecure and needs constant reassurance.

These love styles should not be considered mutually independent. An individual may approach love from a pragmatic stance and have found a love that provides financial stability. However, they still feel insecure (representative of mania) about whether their romantic partner will remain with them, thus ensuring continued financial stability. It is essential to remember that individuals exhibit each of these love styles, and it is simply a matter of how much of each style a person possesses.

How Gender Affects Relationships

Biological Sex vs. Gender

Sex refers to one’s biological status as male or female, as determined by chromosomes and secondary sex characteristics. Gender, however, refers to the behaviors and traits society considers masculine and feminine.^[52] Shuhbra Gaur stated “the meaning of gender, according to her, depends on the ways a culture defines femininity and masculinity which lead to expectations about how individual women and men should act and communicate; and how individuals communicate establishes meanings of gender that in turn, influence cultural views.”^[53] That being said, you can have a female who has a masculine gender and, conversely, a male who has a feminine gender. Gender is all about how society has taught one to perceive the surrounding environment. The different traits that an individual displays is how one interprets gender, while other traits depict how an individual was raised and developed. Heidi Reeder noted that “In Western culture the stereotypically masculine traits include aggressiveness, independence and task orientation. Stereotypically feminine traits include being helpful, warm and sincere.”^[54] Sex is predetermined, and in most cases, it cannot be changed, but gender is fluid and can vary in many ways.

Gender is formed at a young age, then reinforced for the rest of our lives. That does not mean that gender cannot be changed; it just means that one would go against what gender society deems an individual should be. Gender is influenced by communication from significant figures in a person’s life. Gender plays a major role in perceived closeness and disclosure.^[55]

When we talk about gender, we are not considering the sex someone is assigned at birth. Rather, we consider what the person feels psychologically. Sandra Bem (1974) was interested in gender roles. She created a Bem Sex Role Inventory (BSRI). Based on her findings, she could categorize four types of genders: feminine, masculine, androgynous (a combination of both feminine and masculine traits), and undifferentiated (neither masculine or feminine).^[56] When you combine sex and gender, you can have eight different combinations: masculine males, feminine males, androgynous males, undifferentiated males, masculine females, feminine females, androgynous females, undifferentiated females.^[57] Most people will perceive themselves as sex-typed or androgynous, rather than undifferentiated.

Bem’s work on gender has been eye-opening. She contended that there are three main gender perspectives in Western culture. First, males and females exhibit psychological differences. Second, males are considered more dominant than females. Third, the differences between males and females are natural. If we can understand these fundamental differences, then we can communicate and function more effectively.

Gender Differences in Interpersonal Communication

Each of the gender types communicates differently. Feminine females will perceive interpersonal relationships as opportunities to nurture, articulate their emotions, and express their feelings. Whereas masculine males tend to view interpersonal relationships as a form of competition and a potential means of gaining something. Androgynous males and androgynous females differ little in terms of their perceptions of interpersonal relationships. However, androgynous males and females, as well as feminine females, are likely to sympathize with others more than masculine males.^[58]

Sex Differences in Interpersonal Communication

In the United States, we have expectations for how males and females should communicate and behave.^[59] We learn sex differences at a very young age. Boys and girls play, perform, dress, and respond to things very differently. Girls are taught that it is okay to cry in public, but boys are taught to “be a man.” It is acceptable for boys to pretend to play guns and for girls to pretend to play being mothers. Males are conditioned to have instrumental roles, which are task-oriented responsibilities. Females are conditioned to have expressive roles, which are focused on helping and nurturing others or relationship-oriented.

Improving Communication Skills

Many popular guides to enhancing communication skills place particular emphasis on exploring your own needs, desires, and motives in the relationship. Some goals you have in a relationship may be subconscious. By becoming more aware of these goals, and what you want to achieve in a relationship, you can identify areas of the relationship that you would like to improve and generate ideas for making these changes.

Because people in relationships are interconnected and interdependent, it requires individuals who are willing to be open about their needs and relationship goals, as well as those who are willing to work on improving communication and, consequently, the relationship as a whole.

As previously discussed, clear communication is essential for both giving and receiving information. Words have multiple denotations and connotations, and word choice is critical when you communicate about areas of your relationship that are not satisfying. Asking for and providing clarification, sending explicit messages, obtaining feedback to ensure understanding, and listening carefully to the feedback are all important components of effective communication. Finally, when you communicate, remember that everyone wants to be heard, to feel valued, to know that they matter, and to be assured that their ideas are important.

Chapter Wrap-Up

In this chapter, we’ve explored the range of issues related to building and maintaining relationships. We began by discussing ‘relationships,’ which included a discussion of their characteristics and the importance of significant relationships. We then discussed the formation and dissolution of relationships. Then, we explored the importance of communication in relationships. Lastly, we examined dating relationships and concluded by discussing gender and relationships. Hopefully, you can see that building and maintaining relationships takes a lot of work.

Chapter Exercises

Real-World Case Study

Bill and Hillary have been dating each other since they were first-year students in college. They know they might like to get married and start a family. Before graduation, Bill learns he has received his dream offer in another city. Hillary wants to stay in the same college town, where she grew up and her family lives. She does not want to move. Additionally, she received a job offer in the same town that would be beneficial for her. In the long term, Hillary thinks Bill should give up his dream job and sacrifice it for love and their future together. Bills thinks she is being selfish. He thinks he could make enough money so that they could travel back to see her family often. He thinks she is being selfish for not considering his feelings and dreams. Bill knows that he will never get another opportunity like this again. He also knows he will not find another woman like Hillary. Hillary loves Bill, but she also loves her family. She doesn’t want a long-distance relationship with either of them. Hilary thinks that if they had their own family, it would be ideal to have other family members close by.

• What would you do if you were Hillary/Bill?
• How do you determine the best decision?
• What are the possible solutions, and what would be the best solution?
• If they decide to get married, how do they determine when would be best and when to have kids?
• What topics do Bill and Hillary need to agree on first?

End-of-Chapter Assessment

1. Picking a seat in class near the person you’d like to get to know is an example of
   1. offering
   2. approaching
   3. networking
   4. self-disclosing
   5. sustaining
2. The fact that we are likely to pick a mate with whom we frequently cross paths is due to which reason for forming relationships?
   1. appearance
   2. proximity
   3. similarity
   4. reciprocity
   5. differences
3. After 20 years of marriage, Chad and Autumn are bored in their relationship. They know what the other person will do and say every day. This dialectical tension is:
   1. integration-separation
   2. expression -privacy
   3. stability–change
   4. altruistic-selfishness
   5. complementary-symmetrical
4. Aubrey loves to eat Asian food, but Gavin would rather just eat American food. The way the deal with their tensions is to say that they both love to eat food. The strategy they are most likely using is:
   1. denial
   2. recalibration
   3. integration
   4. balance
   5. reaffirmation
5. Anna, who is counselor at a women’s crisis center, says the reason she most often hears from battered wives for returning to their husbands is, “I don’t have any other place to go.” Which explanation of why people perform relationships best predicts this relationship?
   1. disclosure thesis that suggests we are attracted to those who use disclosure appropriately
   2. the reward thesis that suggests we are attracted to people we believe are can give us rewards
   3. the similarity thesis that suggests we like people whom we perceive are like us
   4. exchange theory that suggests we form relationships through assessment of potential rewards and costs
   5. the reciprocity thesis that suggests being liked by others is a strong source of attraction